Joy Comes In The Mourning

Death came knocking in the form of an artillery shell that would rest her soul and puncture me so deeply that it would leave a permanent trace of agony for years to come. I thought that my life would have played out much differently than the manuscript that life handed us, but it happened and I couldn't change our new reality no matter how hard I hoped and prayed. For the first time, I would experience genuine joy, through the Father, as I lay on the ground with tears streaming down my face as I began to process death.

5 Years Ago Today, My Sister Was Murdered

Truth be told, when I said Joy Speaks was birthed through scripture – this is the pivotal moment in my life that would begin writing its story. To count it all joy when you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. (James 1:2) 

My faith would be put to the test every single time I had to read a Facebook post of relatives and friends speaking of her in past tense. Choosing forgiveness became harder every single time I got a dreaded phone call from my mom detailing me the specifics that came from detectives. I had to make a conscious effort to love the unknown hands that pulled the trigger ‘that day’ as I would muster up the strength to visit my sisters grave. And on December 2, 2016, my mom, brother and I would finally receive closure. I had to make a choice all over again to not let anger fill my heart as I heard the detective release the name and supporting evidence of my sister's murderer as the case would finally come to a close - almost five years later.  Every single day for the last 5 years I had to make an extremely hard effort to trust the people around me as I know firsthand how easily one can be betrayed. To put it simply, the last 1,825 days have been a mixture of pure hell and joy. 

Thankfully, I’ve seen God work miracles through the hearts of those who knew my sister and those who didn’t – and for that, I am forever grateful. Blind eyes have been able to see his goodness through the pain, the same way that I have. Although I spent much time questioning God in how he could let this happen, each time I ran to him in a pathetic attempt to place blame - he showed me more of who he was. Throughout every single emotion, hurt and bout of depression - God was right there and I rested my heart peacefully in his presence while my world fell apart. The morning of my sisters’ murder – around 10:00am, a few moments after I received the call - a scripture on my daily app would pop up that read: You intended to harm me, but God intended it for the good of what’s now being done, the saving of many lives (Genesis 50:20). Ironically enough, my sister shared that exact same scripture not long before her untimely death on her social media page. I was in a season that was considered my breaking point and truly by the grace of God, he took my heart and made it his through a very long season of mourning. 

I felt His presence sitting right next to me as I lay in the middle of my then dorm hall as I began to pray these 3 things:

1. I prayed that God would keep me from being my angry at whoever was responsible. I prayed for peace, understanding and the ability to forgive, no matter how hard that was going to be. Despite the fact that I turned to him with millions of questions, not once did I stray away from knowing that God is still good and he is still in control.

2. I prayed that this person would choose freedom, that's only found in Christ. I can't begin to imagine the kind of evil that must dwell in the hearts of those who choose murder, but I knew that they didn't know the true freedom that I did when I gave my life to Christ. That fact alone burdened me enough to continue to point my prayers towards their soul.

3. I prayed that God would give them an overwhelming amount of peace, a peace that spoke to His existence. As crazy as this request was, I still mean it - more so for those living who know more about this incident than they're willing to admit. 

If I had a roadmap that listed the exact things that we needed to do in order to make this crazy, dark world shine a little brighter, would you follow it? Or If I had a list of steps written down that promised that if you did exactly this, you would be free from your depression, oppression, suicidal thoughts, abusive family or drug/gambling/alcohol/porn addiction, would you complete it? If you answered yes, I'm going to tell you the secret now: his name is Jesus, a man that paid the price for all of our sins. Every day is a choice to walk in freedom; regardless of your messy past. Don't believe the lie that you need to clean up your act before you can come to him. Chances are you know just how false that is considering the fact that the behavior of some Christians are the very reason you refuse to come to Him. We're hypocrites, I hear you & I feel you. But you've got more to learn about who we are as humans and who God is as a divine authority over us. Let me assure you that what we DO and DO NOT DO will NEVER dictate who God IS. Broken humans need a savior too and that's exactly what I have learned throughout the last 5 years and will continue to teach to others. 

To my sister in heaven, thank you for being the light this world needed. For being a Godly woman and the perfect example of what it means to continue to live joyfully despite the obstacles in front of you. Thank you for giving to others in need when you didn't have much to give yourself and for all of your efforts of physically being there for those who needed a shoulder to cry on even when your own world was a little rocky.

 You truly were one of a kind, I'll love you always.