There I was a sitting in my parked Jeep, one month removed from experiencing 2 unexpected deaths in my immediate family, choking away on my tears. I had gone out that morning to teach my fitness classes, shop, and interact with the world around me. It had been a great day in comparison to a few others that had been more on the heavy side. Having a renewed sense of peace was a breath of fresh air and was far more pleasant than the sporadic days of enduring heavy emotions. That day I felt normal and for once I didn’t feel guilty for being hopeful for the days ahead, ones that would be far from the sorrow of losing these particular people. Unfortunately, grief didn’t care about the kind of day that I had and decided to show up when I least expected it. Because I wasn’t anticipating a full-on breakdown the moment I parked my car right before heading to dinner.
Instead of pushing it away, I closed my eyes and invited in all of the heaviness and tried to understand what was exposed inside of me, what it was teaching me, and how it was strengthening me. Now one with the heaviness, I went back to those last days of hearing my mom, aunt & cousin remind one another that the only way to get through this rough time was to just get through the rough time. Here are 7 of my go-to processes when dealing with grief.
Understand that your grief is unique to you and must be processed by you. I’m not a licensed professional by any means but common sense tells me that the relationships we share individually with people have an impact on the depths in which we will experience pain when they pass. Unfortunately, that process of healing looks so different for every person who grieves because of this. However, I encourage you to go to therapy and or counseling because I believe it to be a necessary tool in the healing process. In order for you to get the most out of your sessions, you have to be willing and ready to address your trauma head-on and be committed to doing the work. Just because you have a professional helping you along the way doesn’t mean that the healing rests in their hands, that’s on you.
Realize that grief is circular, not linear. There will never be a point in which you’ve “made it” to the imaginary land of full healing. It’s a lifelong journey so extend yourself an insane amount of grace. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to still be associated with whatever emotions come up for you, even several years removed. You lost an important figure in your life that created a sense of loss and/or emptiness. Don’t believe the lie that you’re weak or sensitive for missing them… you’re just human and that’s normal. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
Take time to be with yourself and your feelings. Grief can be your biggest teacher if you choose to let it take on that role. The same way that we have intuition and can exercise discernment is the same skill that can be tapped into during moments of grief. What is your current state of emotions teaching you? What is it bringing up inside of you? Is it anger? Sadness? Hopelessness? Why are these things coming up? Spend time interacting with the feelings and become one with them so that you can learn more about yourself, the relationship you had with the one you lost, and how these moments in the trenches can build you back up for a better tomorrow.
Take mental breaks. Yes, you can take a break from grief. This is not the same as running away but giving yourself some space to enjoy life and not live in this sunken sad place 24/7. Go outside for a walk, hang out with your friends, go dance, play a video game. Go back to the basics of just being you for a few hours or even days. You don’t have to engage in conversations about your loss nor do you have to not leave your house because you’re afraid people might ask how you’re doing. If that happens, keep it short and keep it moving. You deserve to have a moment to yourself in order to recharge and do things you love without feeling guilty about it.
Be in good company. If there was ever a time to be picky about who you choose to be around it’s now. Choose people who generally have a positive mood, positive outlook and are the kinds of people who tend to build others up. We tend to pick up on the habits of those we are around so it’s a good idea to choose to surround yourself around the kind of person you want to be. This isn’t a moment to leach on to good people and expect them to lift you up though. That’s not what I’m saying. Make a conscious effort to be in a positive environment that’s far away from negativity, it’s the last thing you need right now. If you have to cut people off along the way, then do so. Just know you’re in a season of healing, so do whatever you need to do in order to feel whole again.
Talk it out. The biggest mistake anyone can make is choosing to mask this stage of life by trying to skip through it. The more you choose to bottle it up the more destructive you will become to not only yourself but everyone around you. Imagine shaking a full bottle of soda with the cap tightly shut. As soon as you open it up, you have a mess waiting to get cleaned up. The key here is realizing that there will be something to be tended to whether that be your fresh, raw, and hurt emotions or the mess that comes later by suppressing reality.
Pray. Pray again. & pray some more. There are going to be many moments when prayer doesn’t seem like it’s not working or as if it isn’t enough. And when that happens, press in and keep praying. Never lose your sense of hope or faith. But also ask yourself, what’s the other option if you choose to let go of faith? Maybe you’re upset with God or have no sense of what to pray… do it anyways. When in doubt, pray back His word to Him.
Here’s an example you can keep, “God your word says that you’re near the brokenhearted and save the crushed in spirit. Right now I am both broken and crushed. I need you to be with me right now and in the days, months, and years to come. Save me from thoughts of hopelessness, give me more days of joy and drown me in your presence full of peace.” Psalm 34:18