The same way that men love themselves a good chase, I’m convinced that women do too.
Our chase, however, looks like trying to win the affections of a man who isn’t ready for all that we have to offer yet, we cling to it, thirsting after the approval of someone who has shown us time and time again that they aren’t interested in any sort of commitment other than committing to knowing us sexually. Why are we more comfortable and eager to wait around for the wrong person to never get it together than we are to walk away and towards the one whose actions match their words? A deeper look would suggest that you’re settling for a void that their presence is temporarily filling. It’s their unstable ways of romance, companionship, and the false sense of depth brought to you by deep conversations that have no promises for a future together. So he says a couple of cute things here and there but truthfully, many people can whisper sweet nothings to us and get the same effect. Blinded by attraction and choosing to attempt to drink from a dry well that offers us no value leaves us weeping the day we become sober minded and aware of it’s depreciated value. I’ll be the very first one to admit that it took me a very long time to learn the correlation of this chase to a lack of self-love.
Self-love isn’t just saying no to suitors who aren’t ready to suit up and be the man (or woman) that they need to be in order to lead/follow you. No, self-love is taking care of your own needs, your happiness, well-being, and not sacrificing it for the sake of pleasing others. Some people may want to be with you, but that doesn’t mean that they have what it takes to be with you. It’s more than okay to be alone and wait for the person who is healed, whole and ready then to entertain and emotionally damage yourself any further before you find them. You will never find success in trying to change someone or by waiting around for them to morph into a person who already exists. Cheat code: go find them & when you do, choose them. To love yourself is to hold fast to your values, morals, and to take captive of the self-deprecating thoughts that slip through the cracks of your mind. You know, the ones that subtly feast on your worth and sound like: I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or whatever else enough’s that are not true. But the most important form of self love is falling back in love with the One who loved you first. (That’s Jesus!)
We as women have to learn to hold ourselves in the highest regard and truly believe the price in which we have been bought: His death. When you know your worth, and you should, you won’t settle for anything less than what it is that you know you deserve. I don’t believe that we are drawn to the “bad boys” because that’s who we really like. If Hollywood romanticized love that came without struggle, I’m sure many more of us would be in healthier situations and have less complicated pasts. We women have to be better about who we pick to lead us and especially careful of who we choose to father our children. I always say this to myself — anyone can call you, text you, and invite you to go to a movie or dinner. But not one of these gestures suggested that they’re worthy of binding my life to. It doesn’t take a person of great character to do nice things, that’s so basic and not worth me getting excited over. What does though, is character. Outside of initial attraction, look for character because again, not every man is capable of leading you spiritually.
Which brings me to this, can he even lead you spiritually? Does he have an active relationship with God? No? Great, NEXT. Knowing Jesus is the bare minimum, it grabs the attention but by no means does that settle the score. Can they face a life crisis with you? Has this person even dealt with a life crisis and how did they respond? How well does your partner respond to death? Do they isolate or turn to substances? What about terminal illness? Financial strain? You know, the things that will ultimately surface and put one’s true character on display and faith to the test. Are they vain? What do you do when one of you becomes incredibly sick and no longer can function as “normal”. Will you or they stay when sex suddenly falls off the table because a health crisis came in the way? What do they do when life starts to ‘life’ and it gets real? Have they considered it? Have you considered it? Can I be in the pits of physical hell with this person and still say ‘yes’ to being with them? If not, take the necessary time out of your season of singleness to grow and learn how you would respond.
& while you’re learning, ask yourself: If someone proposed to me today, would he see me as a gift or a regret?
Are you a person who someone would be honored to be wed to? Often times we look at others to fill the cracks of our lives that we’ve neglected. In case you didn’t know — no man or woman is your savior. It is never anyone’s job, but yours, to do the necessary work that comes with growing and healing as an individual. We can walk alongside our partners and support them as we can and carry their load by caring about their load. But to fix it? You cannot do that. So stop picking men who need to be repaired and in the same breath complain about how messed up they are. I write this because I was her. I got sick and tired of hearing myself blame everyone but me. And that’s the thing, it’s so easy to shift the blame about what these men and women are doing wrong without ever evaluating ourselves. It’s always them and never you, right? WRONG! Repeated patterns are always a you problem because you are the chooser in every situation. Personal tip: You do not have to say yes to every person who wants your time. Learn how and when to protect your peace. The best thing anyone could ever do for themselves is to go through a season of life with no options and just truly get to know themselves. Until then, you aren’t allowed to question why you’re not meeting “quality men” who want to be in a committed relationship when you’re voluntarily saying yes to the ones who aren’t offering you the kind of life you actually want, because you’re actively settling.
I could offer many seeds of advice here but I’ll just drop you off with the one that’s been eating away at my soul for the last few months. Find your relevance in who God says you are. There is no greater fulfillment in this life than knowing that the only person you need to please is the one who created you. Date to marry, don’t waste your life doing it for fun, especially because feelings get involved and when it doesn’t work out things get icky and we often are left broken and into yet another cycle of rebuilding ourselves and humming sad love tunes. Marriage is a gift, if that’s your ultimate goal, so act like it and prepare for it. It’s not a milestone marker off of a checklist that you get to cross off nor is a trophy that declares your worth. It’s work and it’s takes patience. It’s an insane amount of grace, unimaginable loads of forgiveness and never ending days of dying to yourself. It’s ministry, I believe. A chance to put God’s creation on display and to honor him by honoring each other.
And until you get a full grasp on understanding that you are the problem, you’ll always find yourself surrounded by the same problems.